What's really going on when you feel the urge to shrink

What often gives coaches and experts the urge to shrink in their visibility comes down to something completely normal and predictable. Visibility Goblins can, and do, show up at every level to try and pull you back to what you know. The difference is, that as you get more self aware they get more creative and can be harder to spot and so harder to overcome. The key is not to try and get rid of them, but to use them to actually help you. This is the topic of today's conversation with journalist Catherine Ball and me.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Dauntless PR Unfiltered. We have a juicy one coming up today. We're going to be talking about what's really going on when you feel the urge to shrink. Because what happens is normal, it's predictable, and it happens to everybody at every level, doesn't it, Catherine?

SPEAKER_00 0:23

I think this is this is a really crucial thing. Is this we're not just talking about the kind of things that happen when you are starting to dip your toe into PR, into being visible? This happens to every person at every level, even people who have made a career being in the media, and that and they happen at different times and in different ways. Introduce what we're talking about, and then we'll jump to it.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Okay. So I've got I've got I've got a way of framing what actually happens. And the reason I do this, the reason I frame it this way is because if anybody knows about my visibility journey, they will know it hasn't been easy. They will know it's been very rocky. It hasn't been easy for me to be able to show up publicly, to be able to speak my truth and to go and do PR on all of that stuff. And what goes on and what has always gone on in my mind, I started framing as visibility goblins. And then as we started working with other people getting more visible, I found that everyone has the same patterns. And when they can spot them and when they can reframe them, it can really take away the heaviness of it all. So the way I like to frame them is by actually naming them as the visibility goblins. Now, each visibility goblin has got a different technique, a different way of trying to take that person off track. Now, most people listening to this will know that whenever they get negative voices or they feel the urge to shrink for some reason, or you know, they feel themselves going into self-sabotaging patterns, that it's the brain trying to keep them safe. Like that is a that's a well-known thing. What the visibility goblins are is a way of categorizing everything that can happen and reframing them in a way that takes away that heaviness and in a way that makes them really easy to deal with. Because every visibility goblin has got a different job, and they all show up at different times and they can also work together. So I'll give you some examples of the most common ones that come up. Now, everybody and everybody listening to this will recognize Brenda the Bitch Goblin. This is usually the first one that shows up. So by the time somebody's done a lot of personal development, Brenda the Bitch Goblin tends to quieten down and be replaced by other goblins. And that's because as people become more self-aware and as people start recognizing, you know, what's happening and how to deal with it, the goblins then have to get more creative, they have to become more sneaky. So Brenda the Bitch Goblin is the one that shows up and places doubt. That's the negative voice. That's the one saying, Are you sure? Are you sure you want to talk about that? Oh, your hair's a mess. You can't go on TV. Your hair's a mess. You're not good enough. You don't know what you're talking about. Everybody else is better than you. Yeah, that's it. No, no, but why should people care? Like all of that, and again, you know, most people what listening to this will know that those are all bits of what we've been conditioned with from a very, very early age that have stuck with us. So they're all voices from our childhood, like probably before we were seven years old. So Brenda the Bitch Goblin is one that most regularly shows up very, very early in the journey. Whereas as people grow in visibility and as people get more self-aware, and as people learn how to handle themselves more and how to override those negative voices, then others tend to come in. So we've got, I'll give you, I'll give you some examples. So a really, really common one is Logan, the logical goblin. So Logan will tell people that it's this is a really, really hard one to spot. And it's because Logan is very plausible, Logan is very reasonable. Logan will tell you, well, yes, do the thing, but it's gonna be more effective if you do this, this, this, this, and this first, because then it's gonna be more powerful, it's gonna logic your way out of you getting visible. And we've got others like Danny, the I don't know goblin. What Danny's technique is is completely clearing your mind of anything useful whatsoever. Have you ever had that situation? Have you ever been in in like been asked a question and then all of a sudden something like that? You might have answered time and time again, and then all of a sudden you've gone blank.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Yeah, absolutely. I think the really interesting thing with particularly going back to Logan is I feel like most people who have dealt with a Logan, the logical goblin, will be completely unaware and still believe that that was probably the right decision that they used to be.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

Because the thing is, Logan can spot anything. There will always be a perfectly logical and plausible reason not to do the thing if you're looking for it. And Logan's job, or that's what he thinks his job is, we're going to go into the techniques to reframe that in a bit. But Logan's job is to actively look for perfectly logical reasons not to do the thing, to shrink.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

Yeah. And the one thing I think is if you are anxious and you have fear, because that's the driving thing of why these goblins show up, you will seek anything that will give you relief. So, like the avoiding the thing gives you relief, and you get a kind of a temporary, oh, that's better. So often when people listen to these little inner goblins, they will feel good about it initially. Not necessarily Brenda, because she's she's not very nice, she's not very nice sometimes. She's doesn't really watch her language very well. But people listening to what they think is like sound, regional, like reasonable logic, or you might think, oh, you know, my my intuition told me not to do that when actually it's a self-sabotaging thing and you are getting the immediate relief, but you're not getting nearer to your goal. I think this is the thing that you might think, oh, well, if I feel relief and like my brain's telling me this, why don't I just listen to it? That sounds like I should. But if your goal is, I want to make an impact, I want to be visible, I want to take my business to the next level, I want to be an expert in the media, listening to all of these goblins isn't going to take you nearer to where you are. It will give you that temporary feeling of, oh Phew, I don't have to do the scary interview. Oh, like it wouldn't be logical for me to go to London and be on that TV show. I could be doing X, Y, and Z and then the applause of belief.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

But yeah, eventually for being sensible and for doing the right thing. But what so many people do is they mistake alignment with things feeling good. Yeah. So they think if something's uncomfortable that it's out of alignment when they're completely different things.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

I would say my obviously, I have a slightly different thing because I'm not trying to build my personal brand in the same way, but my one would be Sammy the Scaredy Cat Goblin, who throws up all sorts of worst-case scenarios. That would be the one I've wrestled with, you know, for all sorts of different situations. Because it doesn't have to be about being in the media, it could be all sorts of things that you're doing in life that that you want to do. Lots of hypothetical situations that are completely imaginary, and what ifs, and you know, what if I go on TV and I completely freeze and have nothing to say? What if there's a power cut and this doesn't happen? What if this happens? And you know, obviously that's anxiety, that's that's your brain just sending these things out again to keep you safe. But people will often end up listening to that rather than what we will be talking about in a little bit is like how do you actually deal with these things? Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

The one that I've struggled with the most, and it's been, oh you'll you'll know straight away when I say this, Catherine, because I used to struggle with it so much, even just like two, three years ago. Frankie the fuck you up goblin. Now, what Frankie the Fuck You Up Goblin does is it gives you physical symptoms. It's when everything else has failed, and Frankie's usually the last one to weigh in, and it will give you actual physical symptoms to stop prevent you from doing the thing. And I I always do remember, Catherine, before we'd have an event or things like that, I would lose my voice.

unknown 10:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Or I would get serious too.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

Like it was a very physical thing of you're literally losing the thing you need. It's like the body is you know, your whole thing is about you know, using your voice, and it was like your body was like, Well, we haven't managed to stop you with these other goblins, you've you've got over them. So now we are gonna, we are at the last resort territory now. We're gonna take away your actual voice.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Yeah, and so do you remember what I used to do to like I I used to be like, I was so used to it happening that if I was delivering a training or something over live stream and I had one booked, I would always have a backup and I would record it on and on live reacting, which would because we used to do things on live stream, didn't we? And I'd have one backed up just in case I lost the ability to talk.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Yeah. I think I've noticed it less and less as you've you've dealt with it, but it was one of those things that at first I was like, oh, how unlucky. And it's and that's the thing, isn't it? That usually your first thing isn't going to be, oh well, this is my subconscious, this is my brain, this is a visibility gob. And you just kind of go, I have the worst luck because every time I try and do this, I get ill, or something comes up, or some and it feels like you know, the universe is out to get you, and really it is it's your own body kind of sabotaging you for moving forward because it's trying everything it can to keep you in your comfort zone because that's where it wants to be. It wants to keep where it knows, okay, we've got to this level, everything's safe. Do we really need to put our head above the parapet? Do we really need to be in a newspaper or a TV? Like, can't we just stay here? And it makes complete sense from an evolutionary point of view that people did need to keep safe in their caves. They did need to like keep their world really close to them. But now we've got all these like dreams and visions and things that we're wanting to do, and those people that really want to get out there and make an impact are challenging their survival instinct of like stay where we are.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Yeah, I mean, the goblins are not there to help us to thrive, and by the goblins, of course, you know, they're not actual goblins. They're you know, brain doing its work in trying to keep us safe, isn't it? So, but that's how I like to frame them, and it's like I completely forgot what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Look, I've remembered my other, I've remembered my other one that I really struggle with in life. So, as well as the Sammy the Scardy Cat, haul a procrastination goblin. I am a terrible procrastinator. I will want to do a thing, and I'll really want to do a thing, I'll really care about it, and then I will think of all these other things that actually need to be done. So it could be, it will be something as well that I wouldn't have even thought about doing before I had the thing to do. It'll be like, oh, like, and I remember I was I used to do this when I had like exams when I was younger. I would be like, I'd be alphabetizing my CD collection, that's showing how old I am there. I'll be like doing that when I had to advise for something, and it would be like, oh, I'll just do this other thing instead of doing the thing that's scaring me, the thing that's actually like facing the fear. And a lot of people, I see this so much with people, and it usually, when it's to do with the media, it'll come in the form of I need to rethink my direction, I need to do my a new logo, I need to start a podcast. Quite ironic that I'm saying this on a podcast, I need to redo my website. I need to, I've actually decided that I'm really keen gardener. I'm really, I probably should do my garden before I go on TV. And it's not able to come up with all this stuff.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

I mean, it's not that none of those things are wrong to do. It's not that, it's that the visibility doesn't need to stop while you're doing all that.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

Yeah, you can do it together. Like, yes, maybe having a new logo is a great idea, but don't put everything else on hold. Like the track that's taking you to where you want to be does not need to stop while you get all your and people call it like getting their ducks in a row, don't they? And that's a really common. Have you ever met ducks?

SPEAKER_01 15:02

Have you ever met a duck? Have you ever seen them?

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Never seen them in a row.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

There's always a duck running off over there.

SPEAKER_00 15:09

They don't stay in a row. Whenever people go, I just need to get my ducks in a row. I'm like, that's you're you're not coming back for a while because that's that's definitely you're going off and you're falling down a big rabbit hole of other tasks. And but your goal will still be there. And this is why there are people I know who really, really wanted to be in the media, had really big plans, didn't come and work for us as clients, but they're just people I know and have spoken to and didn't want to make the move to doing it because they wanted to get the ducks in a row. Maybe five years later, they're still nowhere near to doing it. Presumably, they are still trying to shoehorn their ducks into these imaginary rows because there'll always be something else that your brain will throw up. There's always let's do something else first. So you you acknowledging that you don't have to listen to them, I think is half of the issue. You don't have to, you can still progress even when you're being told anything. That's probably a really great time for you to talk about how do you actually deal with these little buggers? Like, what do you do with these?

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Yeah, so what people usually do, and this is not the right thing to do, but it's what what people tend to naturally do is just try and block them away, or they might just be like, oh, shut up, I'm not listening, I'm not listening. But the way to deal with visibility goblins is exactly how you would deal with a small child. Now, hopefully, if a child is scared or freaking out about something, hopefully you're not just going to tell them to go away and lock them in a room. Now, imagine if you did do that. Don't do that. But imagine if you did. What would happen is initially that child would get louder, louder, louder, louder. After a while, they'd give up. They'd give up, and then they would try and find sneakier ways to get your attention. And that's what happens with the goblins. Okay. So, like I said, they each goblin has got a different job. So when they kind of work together. So if one technique fails, they draft another one in, and sometimes they work together, so there's more than one at the same time. Now, the way of going about it is to speak to them like a parent would speak to a child. So imagine that it's your child, because really they are, they it's your inner child. So you're speaking to your goblin and you're telling them you're reassuring them, you're telling them that you understand, you're thanking them for looking out for you, but you're reassuring them that you've got this, you know what you're doing, and affirm why you know what you're doing, it's going to be okay because of this, this, this, this. Give it actual evidence. Remember when this happened last time and it didn't go right, but then we were okay because of this, this, and this. Do you remember that? So you're reassuring the goblin and you visualize that in your mind and you have an actual conversation with this goblin. And then what you'll find is that if if you're patient enough with this, you shouldn't rush it. If you're patient with this and you actually have the conversation and you let what needs to come up, come up, you let the goblin answer. Whatever comes to your head is what they're answering with. And then you're responding to that, you're having a real conversation, and then you redirect the goblin, you give it a different job to do. Like, for example, we've got Eric the Ego Goblin. And what Eric the Ego Goblin does is it convinces people that everything's below them. So they they will only reach for the very, very top, top, top thing, but they won't take all the steps to get there. That's that's what Eric does. So let's say, for example, they're talking to Eric the Ego Goblin. Well, they could redirect Eric into instead of doing the job that he's doing now, what Eric would be really great at doing is just making sure that they're not doing anything that goes against their values. So if they start drifting away from their values, then Eric's got a new job where they can show up and they can say, Oh, hang on, this is these are your values. And I've noticed that you've been swaying from them recently. So then you can start to check yourself. That's a useful thing for a goblin. So every time they pipe up, you're reassuring them and then you're redirecting them and giving them a new job to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Maybe Brenda the Bitch Goblin could, you know, come up with some sassy replies to any troll. I don't think what would be a useful thing for Brenda. Because she's she's the most I like to think of them all when I imagine them as all being quite cute and lovable, really. Like they they might feel like they're wreaking havoc, but it is with good intentions. And it's that thing of like remembering that everybody, like we say, has this show up on some level. It will be different, different things will be the most likely for different people. So sometimes there might be some that you go, well, I don't relate to that, I don't do that, but there will be something else that's happening for you. Um, and it's that kind of that gut instinct to be like, oh no, no, it's not right. And it I think first time you were ever, because uh Luana first introduced me to the idea of visibility goblins years ago, and it suddenly made a lot more sense of kind of oh okay, this thing that I was thinking actually it it is it is some form of self-sabotage, it made it suddenly made a lot more sense, and then as soon as I could recognise it in myself, I was able to recognise it in others too. I think that's the thing. So I won't necessarily go up to people in life and be like, oh, that's such and such, so whatever goblin, but I will notice it now and I will be like, oh, okay, that's interesting, that's that's that coming up. So I think even just knowing, okay, that that's that's what's showing up for me now is just a really useful tool to being able to like realize that it isn't it isn't just you, it isn't a sign that you're doing the wrong thing. Because I think a lot of people take the messages of their visibility goblins as like a sign that they shouldn't be in the media, that they shouldn't do this, that they shouldn't do PR, that actually maybe they've picked the wrong path, and then they'll sort of spend days just reinventing themselves and they'll go on a new goal, and then it will come up, it'll come up for those other goals as well. Like that's the thing to me. You're never gonna get rid of them, and you're not gonna try and get rid of them, they're going to be part of you. So your goal isn't to be a goblin-free person, it's to not be letting them rule your life and that's it, it's too getting where you want to be.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

Bring them along for the ride and use them to your advantage. That's that's what it's all about. Use them to your advantage instead of letting them hold you back. Yeah. Okay, so we will finish up there for today. So there you have, they were a selection of the visibility goblins, and there's a lot more. So I'm curious to know out of the ones that we spoke about today, like, did you have you noticed any that come up for you? And we'd love to hear from you. Hello at dauntlesspr.com. And we'll see you soon.